The founder of the successful eHarmony online relationship service shares strategies on beating the odds in today's divorce-marked society, drawing on nearly forty years of research to identify twenty-nine character traits that can be measured to evaluate a couple's potential compatibility. Reprint. 30,000 first printing.Publishers Description
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, offers essential information allowing singles to immediately gauge whether a prospective mate is truly compatible, avoid the emotional pain of spending years with the wrong person, and be confident that the love they've found will last.
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Est. Packaging Dimensions: Length: 7.9" Width: 5.2" Height: 0.8"
Weight: 0.45 lbs.
Release Date Dec 1, 2005
Publisher HACHETTE BOOK GROUP
Availability 106 units.
Availability accurate as of Jan 22, 2018 11:06.
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Reviews - What do our customers think?
|Follow this book's advice and cancel your eHarmony account Mar 10, 2007|
|Neil wrote a fine book with good advice. The most helpful section was the first screening dimension: Good Character. "Character matters!"|
My own and others' horrific experiences with eHarmony (passive aggressive and/or nonexistent customer service, fraudulent guarantees, questionable "matching" practices, low number of matches--zero globally for many weeks!, and charlatan billing practices), lead me to believe that Neil's company suffers from bad character.
Let us follow Neil's advice: "Watch out for signs that reveal a diminished sense of conscience. People who willfully and regularly lie, exaggerate, or cheat have no regard for the rights of others. They will pay little attention to how their actions impact you, as long as they get what they want....A person with a character disorder has mastered the art of putting on a facade of social acceptability. He knows how to gain your confidnece and that of other people. The person with a character disorder is often a smooth talker, a charmer, a person who knows how to say just the right thing to get what he wants."
Neil, eHarmony can change for the better if you genuinely want it to and are willing to do the tough work to see change happen. But we realize that the prognosis for bad character is not good. Only three experiences seem to bring any real change--a stint in prison, serving in the military, or a deep spiritual transformation. We hope the people at eHarmony will be helped by at least one of these experiences.
Folks, if you encounter eHarmony, run--don't walk--away from it as fast as you can. It will not get better with time.
|Didn't read the book, but... Jan 10, 2007|
|I never read the book, but I have been on e-harmony for 6 months. They were sending me matches the first 2 weeks, but most of "matches" were not responding at all or the people were totally the opposite of me. I manage to meet one single girl out of there in 6 months and as soon as we met we started to laugh because we were so different, that even a stranger could say we weren't a match.|
I called e-harmony several times to cancel my membership and have some refund, but they only agreed to prolong my membership without additional expenses. I didnt get ANY matches in the following 6 months, even though I WAS ACCEPTING MATCHES FROM THE ENTIRE USA!!! I calle dagain just to hear excuses.
Now, every time I see the ad on the TV...I just laugh. dont subscribe to these people, its not worth of it. Oh and by the way, I sold the book on ebay for $11.50. Total loss, total waste of time and money.
|Sincere & straight forward Sep 28, 2006|
|I especially appreciated Dr. Warren's comments and reflections on character. It is so important. The book is genuine, reads well, and held my attention. He knows what he is talking about. It is thorough and clear.|
|Excellent advice for people who want to get serious Sep 6, 2006|
|I do life coaching and public speaking for a living, including in the areas of relationship and sexuality. I have read a lot of books on both of these topics and was very pleasantly surprised that this was a solidly written book and not just a lot of hype.|
One of the things I most liked about this book was the emphasis on character. Dr. Warren was very direct about what constitutes good character, the likely outcome of dating people with characters disorders and the pivotal importance of being authentic and not dating people who lie.
The author also stressed the importance of compatibility. A lot of people work too hard at relationship because fundamentally, they are not compatible. If they were, things would go a lot easier. There is a section in the book that breaks down compatibility into a number of different dimensions that I thought were an extremely useful lens for people to use when looking for a serious partner.
I also liked the sections on sex and the healthy expression of sexuality. Dr. Warren points out that premature sexuality can often blind you to character faults and compatibility issues. While this is difficult to swallow for a lot of people, it sure seems to be true. He also talks about the importance of sex and sexual compatibility from a space of someone with a lot of experience counseling couples.
The appendices in the book are just as valuable as the text. I particularly liked his sections on the "must haves" and "can't haves." When many people are dating, they are not conscious of what their non-negotiables are and enter into relationship where there are a lot of good things, but one essential ingredient is missing. This is a very seductive dynamic, especially when the beginning of the relationship feels soooo good. However, it's like missing one essential vitamin; it will eventually catch up with you.
Also, there is a great no nonsense section on sexual chemistry. Dr. Warren doesn't side step this important area and he makes it very clear that this is what separates potential friends from potential partners. According to him, there must be sexual chemistry and you either have it or you don't. Without sexual chemistry, people often end up having affairs or feeling guilty that they are not attracted to their partners.
Overall, this book posits a conservative approach to dating. Many people won't be able to live up to all the advice, but the advice is sound and it makes good psychological sense. Some people will find the advice on sex overly conservative, but as adults we need to draw our own lines between the ideal and what is reasonable for ourselves. We don't necessarily have to embody the gold standard, but we can certainly aspire to it.
Another interesting part of this book was the section that stepped through each part of the traditional marriage vows and talked about what each means. The take away point, was not that you just promise to stay together, it's that you promise to do the work to love, honor and respect each other. This section which contained a lot of commentary was a useful reminder of examining your deep intention before taking a walk down the aisle with someone. Sometimes people think when they are just staying together they are keeping their vows, but Dr. Warren points to something more than this as truly living your commitment. I thought this was a good point to make, although in practice I believe that sometimes divorce is the best course for some people. On the other hand, I like that he emphasized that marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly and either is a serious relationship.
Dr. Warren talks a lot about eHarmony in his book and this can sometimes be annoying. I have never tried eHarmony or even looked at it in-depth online. However, whether that website is good or not, the book certainly is, so don't let any impressions you have of eHarmony get in the way of seriously evaluating this book.
In short, the advice in this book is good to keep on your radar with the understanding that life isn't perfect and ideals are often difficult to live up to. Even if you disagree with Dr. Warren, his words are good food for thought and you will at least have a heightened awareness of the trade-offs inherent to less conservative dating approaches.
This is not a book geared toward casual dating or casual sex. The audience is clearly people who are very serious about finding a lifelong partner. If you fall in that category, you can't go wrong. Another good book that complements this one is WILL OUR LOVE LAST by Sam Hamburg.
I don't agree with everything this author says and I don't think he factors in enough compassion for the human condition and the challenges of modern life, especially around getting needs for intimacy and sexuality met. However, there is a lot of wisdom here and anyone can benefit from it.
A problem of the modern world is that it's more complex to find a match than ever and it takes longer because people are more complicated and life is more demanding. While Dr. Warren gives excellent dating advice, he doesn't address how to meet your intimacy and sexual needs while you are involved in a lengthy search for a good partner. Let's face it; the kind of great partners that Dr. Warren is asking us to hold out for don't grow on trees. I wish he wrote section on friends, social support and other coping strategies for what to do in the meantime.
|Good starting point Jun 25, 2006|
|I read this book initially in conjunction with trying out e-harmony. With or without e-harmony or any other contact service, I think this book is a great starting point for "getting to know yourself," which is huge in terms of being able to identify the right kind of person with whom to develop a relationship.|
I found the exercises in this book to be personally enlightening and very helpful.
e-harmony as a service is just one of many ways to "get out there" and it's okay. I rate this book very highly however you get out in the world for dating and seeking to mate -- just to understand yourself better as a crucial starting point.
Dr. Warren has a very definite Christian-oriented point of view, and I share some but not all of his beliefs. However, for me, his point of view did not interfere with his simple message of being clear on how you can figure out who you are and what you truly need in a mate.
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